ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.