Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me