Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”