wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.