I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.