BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Sombrero is better than nobrero.