I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake