genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?