Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.