How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.