I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass