WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
When libraries troll their patrons.
