Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”