If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*