My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.