Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks