Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS