Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.