[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.