ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]