The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Breaking news:
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing