Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Breaking news:
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.