It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves