It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
that lip filler tho
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“