[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
that lip filler tho
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.