Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB