ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
