Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”