[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I think we should hear other voices.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too