Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝