Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”