Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is