When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.