Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.