BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice