Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.