My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine