it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast