If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.