How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
when dads have a rap battle
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did