My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*