My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird