Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.