“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift