Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes