*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.