Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?