I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak