Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
