Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.